Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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