i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
