Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
