If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
