Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
