THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
