There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
