I wish my penis had an off switch
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
