bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.