So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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