nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
