I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
