I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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