I accidentally burped into my bong.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
