where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
