i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
