Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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