then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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