Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
