my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
