____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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