Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
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She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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