Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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