If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
