I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
