Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
