just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
