i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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