Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
