i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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