if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
