Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Too much gin, very little bucket
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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