Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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