I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
