I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
