I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
