he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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