Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
