Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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