the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
