Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
