I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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