I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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