Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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