I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
