Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
