Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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