Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
