you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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