I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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