If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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