i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
