you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
