I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
