Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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