I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
