So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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