I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
