Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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