Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I need to stop coming to work sober
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
