we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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